Is it just me, or are tabloids becoming boring? Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading them compulsively for the past two years. (Ever since Anna Nicole’s death, I’ve been obsessed with celebrity gossip.)

But really. I’m sick of photos of what the stars are wearing and who wore it better. (I think I already ranted about that in my “Who Rocked the Frock” post.) How do you rock a frock anyway? I have this picture in my head about throwing a rock at a dress.

Anyway…

The other parts I don’t like are the “Hot Picks of the Week” sections: products that the magazine staffers think are hot. Whatever. I would not use those products, even if I had the money.

I also get sick of the other “fillers” such as the makeup and hair pages. Rarely do these sections give me tips that I actually consider. I have my makeup and hair routine down to a T; I do it almost the same way all the time, and I like it that way. I do not change colors or hairstyles with the seasons. I don’t like the clothing and handbag sections either. Even if I could afford new clothes and handbags, I wouldn’t be taking fashion tips from tabloids. The ad section in the back, I understand that. They need paid advertisers, and it’s only 2 pages. I just skip it.

But the articles are boring too. How many magazines wrote an article about Leann Rimes cheating? Who cares? I think I ranted about that in another post as well.

And what’s with all this Twilight stuff? I have never watched the show and probably never will. I’m getting tired of seeing the Twilight actors throughout the magazines. I just skip those pages.

And Fergie. Seriously, I had never heard of her until I started reading tabloids. Then I heard one of her songs and thought it sucked.

I wonder, how do they determine which stories are newsworthy? For instance, why would they print a Twilight story over a story about another show? Why do they choose to print articles about Fergie instead of another musician? What is it about Fergie that makes her so popular with the media? Gigi, maybe you can help me out here.

People that will never tire of are Brangelina, Jen, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. You’d think I would but I’m addicted to these people. I have a celebrity addiction! Dr. Drew, HELP!

The tabloids just can’t seem get it together, and I don’t know what to believe.

According to the Life & Style website, Nadya Suleman will be having a reality show about her and all her children. Scroll down a bit and you’ll see the article. This entry was dated April 15th, yesterday.

Yet, in an earlier issue, dated April 8th, Nadya said she wasn’t doing a reality show.

Also, on April 7th, In Touch reported that she WAS doing a reality show.

Then Perez Hilton reports that’s she’s not doing a reality show.

Various other blogs (too many to mention) are circulating the news around that the Octuplet Mom is going to do a reality show, including my blog. That’s the latest I’d heard until tonight. I’ll wait until tomorrow and see what the news is.

This is crazy. Either she is lying or the tabloids are lying. Either one is feasible.

 In one of last week’s celebrity magazines I read a quote by Paris Hilton:

“…don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”

Coco Chanel put it a bit more eloquently:

      “I don’t understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little – if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that’s the day she has a date with destiny. And it’s best to be as pretty as possible for destiny.”

and Helena Rubenstein:

“There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.”

Then there’s my beloved grandmother. In my teen years I heard a lot of this kind of thing:

“I hope you’re not leaving the house looking like a jook.”

My grandmother’s definition of the word jook is not wearing makeup, unkempt hair, unfashionably dressed. Urban Dictionary’s definitions of the word jook are nowhere in that vicinity, so I think she just made that word up…but the advice made good sense and I still follow it today. Most of the time.

And, that is Paris Hilton’s mug shot. I think she looks like a real person instead of a walking Barbie. Her mug shot looks better than my photos when I am TRYING to look attractive. B*tch.

My local magazine guy doesn’t get to the store until Friday So I have to wait until tomorrow to read these. But here are the covers and my commentary. Discuss:

OK! — Yawn. Who cares? Some people might, but I don’t. Didn’t even look at the rest of the cover, American Idol has bored me too much. Moving on.

Star — Twilight crap…meh. Miley Cyrus has a secret brother…not surprised or interested. Lindsay Lohan hits rock bottom…somewhat more intriguing. Then there’s Her Royal Smugness on the cover, with the giant text Pregnant Again! Last I heard Angelina Jolie wanted to adopt with or without my dream husband Brad Pitt. Now she’s pregnant? When will the madness end? Why does she need so many children? Why? I used to like her and now I just want to smack her in her b*tchface. I am buying this one, btw.

In Touch — How the Obamas keep their love alive. I don’t care. It doesn’t relate to me because all my love problems could be solved if my significant other and I didn’t fight so much about money and lived in a big spacious home where we were secure in every way. Yeah, if we lived like President Obama and First Lady Obama (Is that the correct term? First Lady Obama? Is Michelle too informal?) we could keep our love alive, too. Oh, Britney’s new “boyfriend” yeah right. And Brad and Angie separated for a month. Good for him, he got some time off the choke chain.

Life & Style — Twilight Heartbreak! Yawn. Isn’t Kristen Stewart dating the kid that played Jack’s son on Will and Grace? Michael Angarano…I had to Google the name. He’s a cutie! RPatz, please wash your hair, take a shower, you might even want to shave a little bit more often. Then I might care. Robert Pattinson is hot but he looks stinky. Obama’s first dog…already saw it on the news. A Portugese Water Spaniel named Bo or Beau. I don’t know what the fugly apparel in the bottom right is and I don’t care.

Us – Sorry for the blurred image. I think I see Octo-Insane on the sidebar. Barf. Despise her. Mel Gibson is cheating with some hot young chick. I’m shocked. I hope his wife gets tons of money and finds a hot guy to hook up with. She deserves happiness after what I imagine was a pretty shi*ty marriage. All those kids to raise…Oh…and Lindsay’s wild nights…wonder who she’ll “date” next? By “date” I mean party with and form an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with. She fascinates me. Her and Brit. I may buy this one..

Here is a new feature I’m playing around with that I call ‘Cover Wars.’ Basically we vote on the most intriguing tabloid cover of the week…Here they are:

In Touch — I will probably buy this one. I enjoy reading about all the Brangelina dysfunction. I am just waiting for that house of cards to come tumbling down. Farrah Fawcett…I heard she’s doing better but her son was arrested for drugs

Life & Style — Vom and gag. I might buy this for my BFF and read the Brangelina article but the sight of Octomom makes me sick. Especially when her crazy a** is on the cover of a tabloid like she’s famous for something other than having a ridiculous number of children.

OK! — While Lindsay’s meltdown looks intriguing, I am tired of all these weight loss stories. If I wanted weight loss advice I would pick up Fitness, Self, Shape or one of the countless other magazines that focus on this subject. I want GOSSIP, not diet tips.

Star — Yesss….Brit and K-Fed are bumping nasties again. I like them as a couple. I just do. They fit. As for the rest of the cover, meh. I really don’t care to read about the giant Summer’s Eve bottle known as Pete Wentz or Bruce Springsteen’s sexual escapades.

US — I might also buy this one because the stumbling train wreck known as Lilo fascinates me.  Especially since it’s rumored she and Samantha Ronson are no more. I give them a week before they’re back together, fighting then having make-up sex. They need to go talk to Ellen and Portia for lesbian relationship advice. Then again, Lindsay could go back to men. LeAnn Rimes and her ‘affair’ — blah. Her husband looks ten different shades of gay.

Which covers do you find most fascinating, repellant or otherwise gossip worthy? Discuss!

XOXO

Gigi

I wasn’t so sure that Jennifer Aniston was still really hung up on Brad Pitt.

However, the most recent issue of Star Magazine has done a wonderful job of proving it to me.

On the cover you will see “Is Tori Anorexic?” (Sigh…she does look too thin I think) and in the corner “Split!” The little pink circle in the middle says “Blame It On Jen!” (Another sigh…give the woman a freaking break, why is it ALWAYS her fault?)

Usually I wouldn’t go for this rumor as we’ve all heard it a million times. However…

There is a photo of Jen wearing a necklace Brad gave her during their relationship. It is very obvious and noticeable. Why would she wear it so openly if she didn’t want Brad to know she still loved him? Also the article talks about how she booked salon visits in his hotel in the hopes of running into him.

Personally, I think Angelina should go back to Billy Bob. Brad should go back to Jen. Angelina and Brad could work out a custody agreement for their children. Everyone would be happier I bet. Including Jen.

I am not on Jen’s side or Angelina’s side, I just call ‘em as I see ‘em.

I just finished reading Star’s March 30th issue at work today (I have a lot of free time on my hands where I work), and I must say I was quite impressed with the magazine. Actually, Star is one of my favorite mags. The content was good except for one thing, which I will get to in a minute.

I really liked the Howard K. Stern article titled “Anna Nicole Ultimate Betrayal” on pages 46 through 47. I had already heard about his charges, but it was nice to get some more information. I am glad he is finally being held accountable for his actions. However, I disagree with the charges. I think he should be charged with murder, not only of Anna Nicole, but of her son Daniel too. I think Stern had a plan to get Anna and Daniel outo of the way so he could have access to that billion dollar estate that Daniellyn may inherit. I have thought this all along, and I was very upset that it appeared Stern was not investigated. According to Star Magazine, that is not the case. California authorities had been investigating Stern and the doctors who prescribed the medication for two years. I don’t know what took so long, but I’m glad they were finally able to come up with some charges against them.

Now, to the part of the magazine that annoyed me: page 37 – Maddox Making a Stink about Ink? According to this article, Maddox wants to follow in his parents’ footsteps and get tattooed. Star says, “In fact, Maddox is so determined to get inked that he uses a black pen to cover his arms with stars, suns, and little aliens!”

Really? Wow, my son did that when he was 7 too! He drew all over himself! I couldn’t stand it, it looked so dirty. And he’d wear fake tattoos also. He must’ve really been “determined to get inked”. I wonder who inspired him because neither me nor his father have any tattoos.

Maybe kids just like to draw on themselves. Ya think?

You know what is getting old? The whole “Who Rocked the Frock” spread in EVERY magazine. You know where they show two (and sometimes three) stars wearing the same dress and then they decide who looks better. Sometimes the magazine editors make the decision and sometimes the readers take a vote. It depends on the magazine. I think the prettier girl always wins. Most of the time, the frocks suck. I’m sitting there going, these dresses look like sh**, so it doesn’t matter! And have you ever noticed that each magazine has the same photographs on the same issue date? I think it’s funny when the magazines disagree with each other about who rocked the frock. I guess there truly are no rules in fashion, since everyone seems to be making their own!

What I really like are the disaster outfit pages. Recently I saw Victoria Beckham a.k.a Posh Spice on one of those pages. I couldn’t have been more pleased. Excuse me, fans, (if there are any), but she has no personality and doesn’t do anything. She’s a robot. She walks around with the same dull expression on her face all the time and never smiles. B-O-R-I-N-G. Queen Elizabeth once said of her, “She’s a pretty girl but she needs to smile more.” What does Posh have to say about her facial expression? “It took me years to perfect that pout.” Are you serious! You actually took the time to practice a facial expression for the cameras? Why not just be natural and act normal? Ohhh… because then there might be a bad shot that would show that she is *gasp* not perfect! I’m sick of her perfect little suits, her perfectly skinny size sub-zero body, and perfect little lip pout. So I’m glad to see her in a disaster outfit. It tarnished her perfect robot image.

Here is Beckham looking rather robotic:

I was quite disappointed with the March 30th issue of US Weekly. Leann Rimes is on the cover. “Leann Rimes Caught in an Affair” reads the headline. So? Who cares if Leann Rimes had an affair? Who cares what she does? Has she even put out an album lately? I don’t know, I don’t listen to country. I haven’t even read the article yet and I’m not too eager. It’s not that I don’t like Rimes, but I really don’t give a rat’s butt about her. I’m more interested in “Octo Mom’s New Home”. (In case you didn’t know, I’m an Octomom freak. I follow her never-ending soap opera and post about it on Angelina Jolie Lookalikes.

Anyway, why can’t these magazines come up with more exciting people to grace their covers, such as Brangelina and Jen? Everyone wants to read about all the wierdness that goes on with them, especially the feuds! Remember last month when all the tabloids were reporting on the “big feud” between Jen and Angelina at the awards ceremony? Well, I read the complete stories in at least two of those ‘zines (not sure which ones because I threw them out), and there was no feud. They avoided each other the entire evening. The reports were that it was awkward for Jen who was on stage announcing the nominees while Brad and Angelina were sitting in a front row seat. One magazine said that at one point Jen sort of spaced out and forgot what she was saying. A couple tabloids reported that she smiled at Brad. How do they know she was smiling at him? Maybe she was smiling at someone else, maybe even *gasp* Angelina!

I know what would make a perfect story: Angelina and Jen having an affair and making Brad jealous. I could just make this up, like everyone else does. I could tell tales of secret steamy rendevous in posh hotels, drinking too much wine in clubs and hanging all over each other. Then they could even start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. But Angelina would not dump Brad for Jen, no. “She wants to have her cake and eat it too,” said the source, who would be me. I wonder who the “sources” really are. Maybe the sources are a dog, or a Hello Kitty doll. I think I’m going to make my source my son’s fish “Fred”. That way if the word ever gets out that Fred’s the source, he doesn’t have to worry about getting sued for slander. I don’t think you can sue a fish.

Here is a photo of Jen admiring Angelina while Angelina looks lovingly into her eyes. This was taken just last week. (It’s not photoshopped either; I’m too cheap for that, so I used Paint).

Here is a photo of Jen seducing Angelina with a cherry.

“We’ve all known for quite some time that Angelina is bi, but I’m surprised to find out Jen swings that way as well. I don’t know if it’s a phase or if she’s been hiding in the closet all these years. Come to think of it, she does have a lot of female friends… hmmm….” the source pondered.

I can see the headlines now:
“Brad furious… Angelina having an affair… with HIS EX-WIFE!”

“Angie and Jen – are they gay? What Brad has to say about it.”

I tell you what, whoever can get that story will make millions! So, Star, OK, In Touch, whoever, CALL ME! I’m the source! I’ll give you the story everyone’s been DYING to hear!

Unfortunately I don’t have any photos for you to enjoy at the moment, but I know every reader of a tabloid has come across this ridiculousness.

There have been countless covers (usually involving Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston) where celebs are Photoshopped so they look like they are glaring at each other when in reality they are not even in the same shot.

And, recently in one of the mags I came across a photo of Beyonce, in full makeup with her hair waving perfectly behind her. However, instead of wearing an evening gown she was wearing a white terry cloth robe and cucumbers over her eyes.

Yeah, I don’t know about you but I always do full makeup and hair before putting cucumbers on my puffy eyes. Please. Obviously the wonderful Photoshop artists took a photo of Sasha Fierce (ha) in a skimpy evening gown and Photoshopped on a robe and some cukes.