I admit it, I’m a tabloid addict. I read several tabloids per week, but mostly in my spare time. Needless to say, I have a lot of spare time on my hands.

Like when I’m at the doctor’s office. They never have good magazines in the waiting room. Like Ladies Home Journal, who wants to read that? Or men’s magazines, about cars, or *gasp* hunting. So today I decided to take the magazines into my own hands and brought a tabloid with me. I forgot which one it was. Anyway, it made for a much more interesting wait.

Today I read about Angelina’s supposed pregancy. I’ll believe it when I actually see the baby bump. Even then I might not be sure, because it might be photoshopped.

But I’m tired of Brangelina – yet I read each article about them with utter obsession, mulling over each detail. Why? Why oh why do I continue to torment myself like this? Brangelina has grown into this great big monster – it’s like a huge wart on my butt, and I can’t get it off!

What I want is more Britney – even though everyone else is sick of her. I can’t get enough. I love the trainwrecks. Today I was reading about the “hooking up” between Britney and Kevin on her Circus tour, and how she wants Kevin to break up with his girlfriend. (I forgot her name, but I guess it isn’t important.)

Another thing I’m getting sick of is this breakup between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Didn’t this happen over a month ago? Guys, you need some new material!

But like I said, I do like the trainwrecks, like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. I don’t like the trainwrecks turned do-gooders like Angelina. Angelina was much cooler when she was openly wierd. When she was with Billy Bob (even though he’s old and gross) and did blood sports. Now she’s still wierd, but she’s trying to act normal, whatever that is for a celebrity, and being a snob. I really don’t like her anymore. She always has this snooty expression in her photographs. And I’m really getting sick of her obsession with kids. I wonder if she is collecting them like dolls.

I’m done with Angelina. Keep feeding me the trainwrecks, because I love the chaos! What can I say, I’m an addict!

First of all, putting Tori Spelling on the cover of Star’s April 13th issue was a big mistake. Really, who cares about Tori Spelling? She’s a bad actress with a bad nose job. I bet Star didn’t do too well in sales that week.

However, being the addict that I am, I had to read the story about Tori’s mom’s “tell-all book”, and I must say, that is pretty low down and dirty. I don’t know why I think this, but I think it’s okay for kids to talk about their parents, but it’s not okay for parents to talk about their kids. I have no sympathy. I’m like, “You bore and raised the girl; if she’s a spoiled brat like you claim, it’s your fault!” DUH!

Also, the addict in me could not resist reading “Star Beauty: Getting Gorgeous with Molly”, even though I don’t care for the beauty sections of the tabloids. I’m such a sucker. The photo-article was about spending a day with Molly Sims who was getting primped for a fashion show where she wore a dress made with thousands of real dried cranberries. The dress was auctioned off at clothesoffourback.org. And I won! NOT!!!

What was really stupid about the article is it said that Molly “suffers from dry skin”, and that she uses Dial Antioxidant body wash with cranberries to moisturize in the shower. I’m sorry, but nobody “suffers” from dry skin. One might HAVE dry skin, but one does not suffer from it, unless one has psoriasis or eczema. And this Dial bodywash with cranberries which is probably scented would be the worst product for either of those conditions.

Now, on to the good stuff: US Weekly’s April 10th issue featuring Lindsay Lohan’s interview. Loved it! There’s just something about celebrity trainwrecks; I am so infatuated! I found the article quite hilarious. My impression of Lindsay? She’s a spoiled brat who goes around throwing temper tantrums and then crying because no one likes her. If all these people really turned on her like she says, it’s because of her own behavior. I also thought she sounded like a drama queen and I didn’t quite buy her story, like the parts about people hacking into her Twitter account and stalking her. In a way, I feel sorry for her because of her childhood and dysfunctional parents. But she has got to get it together. Get off the drugs, stop partying, get some mental help, and then try to salvage your career. Don’t worry about girlfriends or boyfriends. And Samantha Ronson? Please, you don’t need her ugly cokehead a**.

Is it just me, or are tabloids becoming boring? Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading them compulsively for the past two years. (Ever since Anna Nicole’s death, I’ve been obsessed with celebrity gossip.)

But really. I’m sick of photos of what the stars are wearing and who wore it better. (I think I already ranted about that in my “Who Rocked the Frock” post.) How do you rock a frock anyway? I have this picture in my head about throwing a rock at a dress.

Anyway…

The other parts I don’t like are the “Hot Picks of the Week” sections: products that the magazine staffers think are hot. Whatever. I would not use those products, even if I had the money.

I also get sick of the other “fillers” such as the makeup and hair pages. Rarely do these sections give me tips that I actually consider. I have my makeup and hair routine down to a T; I do it almost the same way all the time, and I like it that way. I do not change colors or hairstyles with the seasons. I don’t like the clothing and handbag sections either. Even if I could afford new clothes and handbags, I wouldn’t be taking fashion tips from tabloids. The ad section in the back, I understand that. They need paid advertisers, and it’s only 2 pages. I just skip it.

But the articles are boring too. How many magazines wrote an article about Leann Rimes cheating? Who cares? I think I ranted about that in another post as well.

And what’s with all this Twilight stuff? I have never watched the show and probably never will. I’m getting tired of seeing the Twilight actors throughout the magazines. I just skip those pages.

And Fergie. Seriously, I had never heard of her until I started reading tabloids. Then I heard one of her songs and thought it sucked.

I wonder, how do they determine which stories are newsworthy? For instance, why would they print a Twilight story over a story about another show? Why do they choose to print articles about Fergie instead of another musician? What is it about Fergie that makes her so popular with the media? Gigi, maybe you can help me out here.

People that will never tire of are Brangelina, Jen, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. You’d think I would but I’m addicted to these people. I have a celebrity addiction! Dr. Drew, HELP!

I was quite disappointed with the March 30th issue of US Weekly. Leann Rimes is on the cover. “Leann Rimes Caught in an Affair” reads the headline. So? Who cares if Leann Rimes had an affair? Who cares what she does? Has she even put out an album lately? I don’t know, I don’t listen to country. I haven’t even read the article yet and I’m not too eager. It’s not that I don’t like Rimes, but I really don’t give a rat’s butt about her. I’m more interested in “Octo Mom’s New Home”. (In case you didn’t know, I’m an Octomom freak. I follow her never-ending soap opera and post about it on Angelina Jolie Lookalikes.

Anyway, why can’t these magazines come up with more exciting people to grace their covers, such as Brangelina and Jen? Everyone wants to read about all the wierdness that goes on with them, especially the feuds! Remember last month when all the tabloids were reporting on the “big feud” between Jen and Angelina at the awards ceremony? Well, I read the complete stories in at least two of those ‘zines (not sure which ones because I threw them out), and there was no feud. They avoided each other the entire evening. The reports were that it was awkward for Jen who was on stage announcing the nominees while Brad and Angelina were sitting in a front row seat. One magazine said that at one point Jen sort of spaced out and forgot what she was saying. A couple tabloids reported that she smiled at Brad. How do they know she was smiling at him? Maybe she was smiling at someone else, maybe even *gasp* Angelina!

I know what would make a perfect story: Angelina and Jen having an affair and making Brad jealous. I could just make this up, like everyone else does. I could tell tales of secret steamy rendevous in posh hotels, drinking too much wine in clubs and hanging all over each other. Then they could even start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. But Angelina would not dump Brad for Jen, no. “She wants to have her cake and eat it too,” said the source, who would be me. I wonder who the “sources” really are. Maybe the sources are a dog, or a Hello Kitty doll. I think I’m going to make my source my son’s fish “Fred”. That way if the word ever gets out that Fred’s the source, he doesn’t have to worry about getting sued for slander. I don’t think you can sue a fish.

Here is a photo of Jen admiring Angelina while Angelina looks lovingly into her eyes. This was taken just last week. (It’s not photoshopped either; I’m too cheap for that, so I used Paint).

Here is a photo of Jen seducing Angelina with a cherry.

“We’ve all known for quite some time that Angelina is bi, but I’m surprised to find out Jen swings that way as well. I don’t know if it’s a phase or if she’s been hiding in the closet all these years. Come to think of it, she does have a lot of female friends… hmmm….” the source pondered.

I can see the headlines now:
“Brad furious… Angelina having an affair… with HIS EX-WIFE!”

“Angie and Jen – are they gay? What Brad has to say about it.”

I tell you what, whoever can get that story will make millions! So, Star, OK, In Touch, whoever, CALL ME! I’m the source! I’ll give you the story everyone’s been DYING to hear!