According to one of this week’s tabbies Angelina Jolie is going to take over mommy duty now that filming for Salt is done. Excuse me, I think the headline was “Angelina Jolie Plays Mommy!”

No, no. You do not play mommy. You ARE a mommy. Mommy is a 24/7 365 payless and often thankless job.

Oh, wait…unless you’re Morticia Jolie. In that case you can spend some time at a carnival, art shop or airport holding them, then hand them off to the nannies while you go throw knives or fly planes. If you ask me, this is the image she is hoping to project:

But THIS is the REAL Angelina Jolie (with the man I think is her perfect mate:)

And what the heck, while I’m judging celebrities let me post my favorite Brad Pitt photo. (We all know who he should be with. You know, that chick from Friends with the hair.)

And by the way, I adore all four people mentioned in this post, I am not anti-Angelina or anti-Jen but I am definitely pro-Brad…yum…

Brad the cute and mellow political activist:

And I’m posting this one just because…stay in bed Brad, darling I’m on my way…ah, dreams…

I admit it, I’m a tabloid addict. I read several tabloids per week, but mostly in my spare time. Needless to say, I have a lot of spare time on my hands.

Like when I’m at the doctor’s office. They never have good magazines in the waiting room. Like Ladies Home Journal, who wants to read that? Or men’s magazines, about cars, or *gasp* hunting. So today I decided to take the magazines into my own hands and brought a tabloid with me. I forgot which one it was. Anyway, it made for a much more interesting wait.

Today I read about Angelina’s supposed pregancy. I’ll believe it when I actually see the baby bump. Even then I might not be sure, because it might be photoshopped.

But I’m tired of Brangelina – yet I read each article about them with utter obsession, mulling over each detail. Why? Why oh why do I continue to torment myself like this? Brangelina has grown into this great big monster – it’s like a huge wart on my butt, and I can’t get it off!

What I want is more Britney – even though everyone else is sick of her. I can’t get enough. I love the trainwrecks. Today I was reading about the “hooking up” between Britney and Kevin on her Circus tour, and how she wants Kevin to break up with his girlfriend. (I forgot her name, but I guess it isn’t important.)

Another thing I’m getting sick of is this breakup between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Didn’t this happen over a month ago? Guys, you need some new material!

But like I said, I do like the trainwrecks, like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. I don’t like the trainwrecks turned do-gooders like Angelina. Angelina was much cooler when she was openly wierd. When she was with Billy Bob (even though he’s old and gross) and did blood sports. Now she’s still wierd, but she’s trying to act normal, whatever that is for a celebrity, and being a snob. I really don’t like her anymore. She always has this snooty expression in her photographs. And I’m really getting sick of her obsession with kids. I wonder if she is collecting them like dolls.

I’m done with Angelina. Keep feeding me the trainwrecks, because I love the chaos! What can I say, I’m an addict!

In the past month, Brangelina has broken up, become pregnant, and reunited! Not to mention Angelina has been filming the movie Salt, and Brad’s been travelling all over the world! What a busy couple!

What really happened is that nothing has changed. Angie is still acting, Brad is travelling the world for various reasons- could have to do with their nonprofit organization, The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, or perhaps he had business to attend to in Germany. Maybe there were events, or meetings, who knows?

They probably had some fights – and made up – and fought – and made up; like so many couples do.

I don’t believe any of these stories at this point. There’s no concrete evidence that anything has happened. Anonymous sources are quoted, giving the articles little credibility. And I doubt that Angelina would work on a film, performing her own stunts while pregnant.

I’ll keep reading, but I’m skeptical.

I quite enjoyed the May 4th edition of In Touch Weekly, headlining “Brad Moves Out”.

Though, I’m not quite sure I believe that story. Another magazine released a story that week claiming that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. If she’s pregnant, then Brangelina probably isn’t splitting up. However, it’s possible. Anything is possible with those two.

What really intrigued me this time was the smaller story inside about Gavin Rossdale and a British drag-queen rock star named “Marilyn”. Marilyn told In Touch that he and Rossdale were in a gay relationship lasting five years and that “he was the love of my life.” I must say, I would not have believed this had it not been for the photos of the two of them together, looking very “close”.

As I was reading the article, I marvelled over how much Gavin’s wife Gwen Stefani resembles this Marilyn character. I always did think Gwen looked like a drag queen, I thought. Then I turned the page and found that In Touch thinks the same! There was an insert titled “They have the same look!” which showed pictures of the two in similar outfits and poses. I guess now Gavin can satisfy his drag queen fantasies while playing it straight.

And of course, my favorite story in this issue was the Octomom story: “Octomom’s Lies Exposed”. This article focused mainly on Octomom’s stripper days, which were, apparently, DAYS with an “S” and not DAY. Three sources gave accounts of Nadya stripping over a period of time (though they didn’t say how long), and these sources provided their names and photos to the magazine, except for one, “Sage”, preferred not to give her real name, but she did offer a photo of herself. In the article was a picture of a contract that Nadya Suleman signed for private party dances. So we can conclude that Suleman lied about dancing “only for a day”, as well as other things. Oh, and her stripper name was Angelina. Guess she lied about not trying to look like Angelina too. Go figure.

Thank you, People, for clearing up some things about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. If People says it, I believe it. Us Weekly is second on my list of believable tabloids…moving on…

Angelina pregnant — false, according to People and when they noted that the twins don’t turn 1 until July it made sense that she isn’t. There are various other debunked Brangelina myths in the article worth reading.

Side note: This week’s In Touch has my dream-husband Brad Pitt on the cover looking angry and intense. However he is wearing a pink crocheted necklace of some type? Perhaps a gift from one of his daughters? That is so cute.  Now this I can believe…that Brangelina had a blow out around Easter and he spent time away from home to cool off.

As far as whether or not Angelina is pregnant I am not speculating. If there is a formal announcement (on People, of course) then I will believe she is.

Is it just me, or are tabloids becoming boring? Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading them compulsively for the past two years. (Ever since Anna Nicole’s death, I’ve been obsessed with celebrity gossip.)

But really. I’m sick of photos of what the stars are wearing and who wore it better. (I think I already ranted about that in my “Who Rocked the Frock” post.) How do you rock a frock anyway? I have this picture in my head about throwing a rock at a dress.

Anyway…

The other parts I don’t like are the “Hot Picks of the Week” sections: products that the magazine staffers think are hot. Whatever. I would not use those products, even if I had the money.

I also get sick of the other “fillers” such as the makeup and hair pages. Rarely do these sections give me tips that I actually consider. I have my makeup and hair routine down to a T; I do it almost the same way all the time, and I like it that way. I do not change colors or hairstyles with the seasons. I don’t like the clothing and handbag sections either. Even if I could afford new clothes and handbags, I wouldn’t be taking fashion tips from tabloids. The ad section in the back, I understand that. They need paid advertisers, and it’s only 2 pages. I just skip it.

But the articles are boring too. How many magazines wrote an article about Leann Rimes cheating? Who cares? I think I ranted about that in another post as well.

And what’s with all this Twilight stuff? I have never watched the show and probably never will. I’m getting tired of seeing the Twilight actors throughout the magazines. I just skip those pages.

And Fergie. Seriously, I had never heard of her until I started reading tabloids. Then I heard one of her songs and thought it sucked.

I wonder, how do they determine which stories are newsworthy? For instance, why would they print a Twilight story over a story about another show? Why do they choose to print articles about Fergie instead of another musician? What is it about Fergie that makes her so popular with the media? Gigi, maybe you can help me out here.

People that will never tire of are Brangelina, Jen, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. You’d think I would but I’m addicted to these people. I have a celebrity addiction! Dr. Drew, HELP!

I wasn’t so sure that Jennifer Aniston was still really hung up on Brad Pitt.

However, the most recent issue of Star Magazine has done a wonderful job of proving it to me.

On the cover you will see “Is Tori Anorexic?” (Sigh…she does look too thin I think) and in the corner “Split!” The little pink circle in the middle says “Blame It On Jen!” (Another sigh…give the woman a freaking break, why is it ALWAYS her fault?)

Usually I wouldn’t go for this rumor as we’ve all heard it a million times. However…

There is a photo of Jen wearing a necklace Brad gave her during their relationship. It is very obvious and noticeable. Why would she wear it so openly if she didn’t want Brad to know she still loved him? Also the article talks about how she booked salon visits in his hotel in the hopes of running into him.

Personally, I think Angelina should go back to Billy Bob. Brad should go back to Jen. Angelina and Brad could work out a custody agreement for their children. Everyone would be happier I bet. Including Jen.

I am not on Jen’s side or Angelina’s side, I just call ‘em as I see ‘em.

I just finished reading Star’s March 30th issue at work today (I have a lot of free time on my hands where I work), and I must say I was quite impressed with the magazine. Actually, Star is one of my favorite mags. The content was good except for one thing, which I will get to in a minute.

I really liked the Howard K. Stern article titled “Anna Nicole Ultimate Betrayal” on pages 46 through 47. I had already heard about his charges, but it was nice to get some more information. I am glad he is finally being held accountable for his actions. However, I disagree with the charges. I think he should be charged with murder, not only of Anna Nicole, but of her son Daniel too. I think Stern had a plan to get Anna and Daniel outo of the way so he could have access to that billion dollar estate that Daniellyn may inherit. I have thought this all along, and I was very upset that it appeared Stern was not investigated. According to Star Magazine, that is not the case. California authorities had been investigating Stern and the doctors who prescribed the medication for two years. I don’t know what took so long, but I’m glad they were finally able to come up with some charges against them.

Now, to the part of the magazine that annoyed me: page 37 – Maddox Making a Stink about Ink? According to this article, Maddox wants to follow in his parents’ footsteps and get tattooed. Star says, “In fact, Maddox is so determined to get inked that he uses a black pen to cover his arms with stars, suns, and little aliens!”

Really? Wow, my son did that when he was 7 too! He drew all over himself! I couldn’t stand it, it looked so dirty. And he’d wear fake tattoos also. He must’ve really been “determined to get inked”. I wonder who inspired him because neither me nor his father have any tattoos.

Maybe kids just like to draw on themselves. Ya think?

I was quite disappointed with the March 30th issue of US Weekly. Leann Rimes is on the cover. “Leann Rimes Caught in an Affair” reads the headline. So? Who cares if Leann Rimes had an affair? Who cares what she does? Has she even put out an album lately? I don’t know, I don’t listen to country. I haven’t even read the article yet and I’m not too eager. It’s not that I don’t like Rimes, but I really don’t give a rat’s butt about her. I’m more interested in “Octo Mom’s New Home”. (In case you didn’t know, I’m an Octomom freak. I follow her never-ending soap opera and post about it on Angelina Jolie Lookalikes.

Anyway, why can’t these magazines come up with more exciting people to grace their covers, such as Brangelina and Jen? Everyone wants to read about all the wierdness that goes on with them, especially the feuds! Remember last month when all the tabloids were reporting on the “big feud” between Jen and Angelina at the awards ceremony? Well, I read the complete stories in at least two of those ‘zines (not sure which ones because I threw them out), and there was no feud. They avoided each other the entire evening. The reports were that it was awkward for Jen who was on stage announcing the nominees while Brad and Angelina were sitting in a front row seat. One magazine said that at one point Jen sort of spaced out and forgot what she was saying. A couple tabloids reported that she smiled at Brad. How do they know she was smiling at him? Maybe she was smiling at someone else, maybe even *gasp* Angelina!

I know what would make a perfect story: Angelina and Jen having an affair and making Brad jealous. I could just make this up, like everyone else does. I could tell tales of secret steamy rendevous in posh hotels, drinking too much wine in clubs and hanging all over each other. Then they could even start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. But Angelina would not dump Brad for Jen, no. “She wants to have her cake and eat it too,” said the source, who would be me. I wonder who the “sources” really are. Maybe the sources are a dog, or a Hello Kitty doll. I think I’m going to make my source my son’s fish “Fred”. That way if the word ever gets out that Fred’s the source, he doesn’t have to worry about getting sued for slander. I don’t think you can sue a fish.

Here is a photo of Jen admiring Angelina while Angelina looks lovingly into her eyes. This was taken just last week. (It’s not photoshopped either; I’m too cheap for that, so I used Paint).

Here is a photo of Jen seducing Angelina with a cherry.

“We’ve all known for quite some time that Angelina is bi, but I’m surprised to find out Jen swings that way as well. I don’t know if it’s a phase or if she’s been hiding in the closet all these years. Come to think of it, she does have a lot of female friends… hmmm….” the source pondered.

I can see the headlines now:
“Brad furious… Angelina having an affair… with HIS EX-WIFE!”

“Angie and Jen – are they gay? What Brad has to say about it.”

I tell you what, whoever can get that story will make millions! So, Star, OK, In Touch, whoever, CALL ME! I’m the source! I’ll give you the story everyone’s been DYING to hear!